three

Dear Oliver,

It's your birthday for a few more minutes and I think I just need to get this out.  It's really kind of hard for this momma's heart to fully grasp that you are three...already....  I feel like the last few years have been a blur.  They have been a blur.  My heart breaks a little because it's so hard to remember all the moments we've shared the last three years.  Being a mother is kind of funny like that.  You do the best you can and you love with all you have and suddenly your baby isn't a baby anymore.  It's really easy to look back and wonder why I didn't embrace more then, but I know in those moments I was utterly and completely there.  Maybe that's why it's hard for me to recapture the memories of you and your brother....  Maybe it's because I was so very in the moment that I didn't take time to tuck it away for later.  I'm sure the sleepless nights and hours of breastfeeding have something to do with it too ;)  I hope someday little moments with you boys will flood back to me.

I really can't believe you're three though, little man.  I do remember how easy going you were as a baby and how utterly different that was from you big brother!  You are all together laid back and fiery all at once.  And up until a few months ago, your hair shown kind of red in the sunlight...that must be where that fire comes from.

I love how you must know where I am if you haven't seen me for a while and you hunt me down with a whine.  (That also kind of makes me crazy sometimes :)  You are stubborn as all get out and unfortunately I think you get that from me.  I have since let go of most of my stubbornness, but Grandma reminds me of it when she sees it in you!

From the day we brought you home, your absolute favorite place is your sweet little head on my right shoulder.  And to this very day, you still place your head there often throughout the day.  I will be sad when I can't hold you like that anymore....

I want to remember all these things and I'm afraid that I'll forget....  Tonight I laid next to you and your brother a little bit longer than usual after you were both asleep.  I kissed your little cheek and smelled your sweet breath (you've always had the sweetest little breath.)  You know, the only way you'll go to sleep is holding onto my hair.  And heaven forbid I lay down with it in a bun...!  Sometimes during the day you climb in my chair if I'm sitting down and you ask if you can have my hair for a minute.  Like the other day at church when you didn't want to go to Sunday school.  Instead you sat with me and Daddy and you held my hair and snuggled me.

Thanks for snuggling me....

I love you, buddy.  And I pray that I can always be the mom the you and your brother need.  I thank God for blessing me with two amazing boys.  You have most definitely taught me that love is all we need.  And it is an honor to be your momma.

P.S. By the time I finished writing this it wasn't "technically" your birthday anymore ;)  I guess that's what happens when you reminisce!!